it seems as though my heart as been so heavy for the last few weeks. it is miserable watching others that you care about suffer and go through things like losing children or watching their children die. no one should have to go through that. sadly suffering is part of this life. it does not make it fair. but it does happen. it has made me think a lot about our own little family.
i have started looking at my own children recently and wonder how I am doing. (I am not really writing this for any response. More just to journal)
today i was not feeling well. I have been super sick all day and pretty much hung on the couch in between trips to the bathroom. I was watching the girls play together on the floor and just started to think.
i started to wonder how I am doing as a mother. I know that there is always things that we can improve on. but I wonder if they are happy. if they will look back on their childhood, will they have happy memories. i hope so. i think if i were to lose one of them tomorrow, or if they became sick, would what they have lived so far be full of happiness and love. it makes me want to do more. not necessarily run out and spend money on them or anything like that. However I do want to try harder to make more and better memories for them. I want them to life every minute of their life.
i know it is unrealistic to think that we can be having fun every day all day non stop. i do think that you can take the small moments though and make time for laughter, for silliness, for love. there are days like to day when i can not remember laughing at all. when i feel so sick, or tired or just so busy that it seems like their are not enough hours in the day.
what i have decided is that their are never going to be enough hours in the day for it all. for all the chores. for all the errands. for all the love and laughter. so i will just have to change some priorities. i have to stop worrying about what others think so much. worry about if others think i am successful or not as a mom, wife, homemaker.
there is a sign that i have seen in others homes that i love. it says, "sorry my house is a mess, my children are busy making memories". That is how i am going to be from now on. so if you stop by and there are toys all over the floor, laundry baskets waiting to be folded, or other messes please excuse them. i want my children to remember love and laughter, not watching me fold laundry. I know those things will have to happen. I am fully aware that there is no magic fairy that comes while you sleep. I am just going to change they way i do things. when I do things. how i do things. hopefully i will be better.
my heart aches for those i know that have lost or are losing children. my biggest fear is that i would lose one of my children. so i want to make sure that they have no doubt in their mind how much i love them and how happy they make me.
3 comments:
i've been having those same exact thoughts.
This was perfectly said. I've been thinking the same things.
Losing a child or spouse would be the hardest thing ever. And before I thought I was going to lose my mom, I would often see others going through things like this and I would feel so bad for them and think I'm glad that's not happening to me. But now I think I understand a little bit more what they are going through and it's made me want to try harder to help bear anothers burden.
This was a good post. I'm glad you shared.
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